So a confession… I’m a studier. I like to study things from Math and Science to video games… whenever I discover something new I go into research mode and try to learn everything I can about it.

What does this mean for writers? To me it means reading… and reading… and then reading some more. When I read other people’s writing it busts me out of the cliche rut I can often find myself in. It gives me an idea how other people put their plots together and I can pick and chose what I like about it.

Maybe it’s because I’m not very creative. I’m better at taking someone else’s idea and running with it, or retelling real life stories (or things that happen in video games) and turning them into creative writing stories. Stretching the term “creative writing” perhaps. Perhaps I should classify myself as a bard rather than an author? If only I was better at poetry…

Aaaaaanyways…

Instead of doing so much writing I’ve been reading a lot this summer. One of the series that has grabbed my attention is Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.

It’s a great bit of historical Celtic fiction… I really couldn’t recommend it more. Next on the list is a reread of Tale of Two Cities I think.

So what have you been reading?

My friend Annie Cristina is constantly posting confession blogs over on my sweet old etcetera. So today I decided to write my own little list of confessions… today’s list will have a bit of a “teacher” flair.

My favorite letter to handwrite is “f”, it just looks so pretty!

Some days I love going to work, some days I don’t want to be there as much as my students don’t.

I don’t use a red pen to correct my students’ work… I use a green sparkly one because it looks happier. I hated getting papers back all covered in red, it just looks so angry and mean.

Seeing a student start to improve on a skill that they’ve been having trouble with is one of the best feelings in the world.

Originally I wanted to teach university Genetics and Microbiology (that’s what my degree is for) but I have found that I love teaching Elementary and Middle school Special Needs.

I think for the most part, the school system is broken and failing our students. Even though the teachers try hard, too many of them give up and just go through the motions. That’s my biggest fear.

So any other teachers have any confessions they want to share?

Anyone who reads my blog should know what today is. Hint, it’s May 25 and the answer is always 42.

Today, dear friends, is Towel Day. Celebrated the same day as Geek Pride Day of course, today is the day to proudly wear your towel in public (and your other clothes please).

I don’t have much to say on the subject, really… what needs to be said?! Enjoy today, link pics if you take em, and remember:

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Prepare yourself dear reader, for a bit of a writer’s rant. No, this rant won’t be about anyone else… this rant is about my

COMPLETE AND UTTER LACK OF ABILITY TO WRITE.

I want to write, I even have a story idea that I like. So what’s the problem? It won’t work!! Every time I find some time where nothing else requires my attention, I can come up with a To Do list a mile long… topping the list are things like:

• Fold and put away laundry (something I hate doing!)
• Organizing my desk (a losing battle)
• Stare at the ceiling

Get the picture?

So if I’m not being totally distracted by other things… I’m being distracted by myself. When I try and force myself to write it all just comes out awkward and weird. I asked a friend (hmm, I think I can call her a friend, we’re Twitter friends at least… either way, she’s cool), @S_NelsonBuckley, whose one of the editors (and authors!) over at PaperBox Books and also has a blog, what she does when she just can’t write. Her answer? She writes anyways lol. It’s old wisdom, write now, edit later. Shoot, it’s even the whole concept behind NaNoWriMo! But it’s hard to do that when even the actual story is floundering around on the page.

The worse part is, I do truly like this story. There’s a few interesting bits in it, with a heavy dose of weird and a splash of real-but-no-one-will-believe-it… so why won’t it write? Maybe it’s not ready yet. I have a theory that stories will float around in my brain until they decide to be written. I, the author, have no function other than to provide the fingers to make the story a reality.

This bout of fighting with Writer’s Block usually comes about right before a story choses to appear in a tangible way so there’s not really much to do other than wait.

So what, you might be wondering, is the point of this blog post?

Here’s the kicker…

There isn’t one. Not really.

The best part is? That’s the whole point anyways.

This blog is aptly titled “Musings of a Scattered Mind” because that is exactly what you can expect to find here. Some days it’s more coherent than others… today seems less so.

Hmm, might be time to get some writing done…

I think I’ll go do laundry.

Writing is an emotional experience. In my experience the more real emotion I invest into a piece of writing, the better it is. I don’t write anything I don’t care about. When I write I try and put myself in the headspace of my characters, figure out why they are the way they are. That’s why so often my characters become these fully formed people running around in my head. It’s also why so many writers are crazy.

A few weeks ago I submitted the first ten pages of a novel I’d written to @PaperBoxBooks. They were offering free critiques from their editing/publishing staff and I jumped on the chance to have some professionals go over my work! (Can I just make a note about how friggen nervous I was?! I could totally picture Simon Cowell clones telling me how awful my writing was while I tried to tell them how my friends and family thought I was brilliant.) I heard back from them really quickly and they liked it! They did have some suggestions which were very helpful. The problem? Then 10 pages I submitted were the entirety of what I’ve written! So now I actually have to finish it hehe.

For those not familiar with the story here’s a little snippet:

The girl in the backseat of the cab jumped as the phone rang again. She looked down at the broken screen wishing, not for the first time, that she could see who was calling.

“Hello?”  The cab driver, hearing the worry in his passenger’s voice, looked at her in the mirror.

She might have been pretty, it was hard to tell right now. Her brilliant red hair looked like it was pulled into a french braid; with all the pieces flying here and there he couldn’t be sure. Large dark-tinted rockstar glasses covered most of her face, the rest was very red, and a little swollen. He turned his eyes back to the road, the bruises on her chest and arms looked too much like they were caused from fingers that weren’t her own.

“Shalymar don’t han…” She snapped the phone closed, took several deep breaths and tried to focus on something steady outside the cab.

So that’s the first little bit, it’s not perfect but the idea is there. And perhaps you begin to understand my struggle with emotions as I write this story. Putting myself in that head space is hard. We all have horrible relationships in our past, some are worse than others. I pull on those for inspiration and that takes me back to a place that is hard.

Thankfully, it’s not as bad as it could be. I’ve dealt with the pain of those and they don’t trouble me, but going back to a place where they bothered me. Not easy! And it reminded me of one of my favorite writing quotes:

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed

~Ernest Hemmingway

That’s always been such a good explanation of writing to me. Anyways… I want to finish this story, but I have to balance it with the writing of something not quite so traumatic. I’m thinking… fantasy. Something magical, fantastical, something… not real. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Not sure yet what form this fantasy is going to take, although it is beginning to come together in my brain. See, whenever I start a new story I just throw all of the ideas for it into my brain and let them sort themselves out. Then new characters will pop up and say hi and tell me about themselves. Stories will happen of their own accord, and all that’s left for me is to tell the tale.

So what’s your experience with writing particularly emotional pieces? Anyone else feel the need to balance them with other writing so as not to become completely depressed?

They say writers are crazy…

I say they aren’t wrong.

As many who read this know I am a member of this site named @protagonize. Protag (as we call it) is a collaborative writing site, what that means is it’s a place to come together with other authors and create truly amazing bits of writing. Some authors have gone on to have books published like Tasha Noble with her Paddytum story (which topped the protag charts for eons). Those who have known me for a while will already be aware of the content of this post as I’ve talked about it before.

A conversation I had with a dear friend I met on the site shortly after I joined put everything into the forefront for me again so I felt compelled to write this post. To be honest reader, this post isn’t totally for you, mostly it’s for me to work through some things in my brain and how I feel about protag.

See, when I first joined I was really intimidated. The majority of the authors were older than me, and they were all far more talented. I debated for days about joining a collaboration for fear that I would mess it up. My first several posts were solo stories. And, in fact, my first attempt at a collab, I messed up!

In a story by G2 she included the following Author’s Guidance for her story “A Touch of Madness”

I want you to imagine that society has deemed the creative and/or intelligent unfit to be a part of society. That the creative/intelligent folks need to be “put away” somewhere, somehow. What happens to the creative folks? Preferably, I’d like this to fit you; in other words, you should think about this from either your “self-self” perspective or your “Protag-self” perspective. But you can change it up if you want, I really don’t mind.

She wrote a story of extended guidance as her introduction and by then I decided to just go ahead and jump into the story! MAN I was nervous! Turned out, she had in mind a series of shorts, rather than the intro to a continuous collab that I wrote. Right away when I found out I replaced my post with:

******************** Coming Soon *********************

On account of Asheyna’s inability to follow directions.

*********************************************************

And apologized for messing up her story. But the idea, the idea was cool, and the dear friend I mentioned earlier? He thought so too. So, instead of being disrespectful and hijacking her story I started a new one called Free Your Mind and unleashed a monster.

The journey I went through while that story topped the Hot Stories charts and its descent into chaos outlines all of the issues I’ve had with collaborative writing. It began with a few people posting often. We would follow on each other’s coat tails, writing about the previous chapter and had developed a really neat flow to the story. Then, slowly, the story started to devolve. People were so anxious to jump aboard the “hot story” they disregarded Author’s Guidance, comments, notes and critiques. Anyone who knew me during that time probably got a bit of my pulling my hair out while ranting about this or that. (Many thanks btw, for those who kept me sane and kept with the original story).

Free Your Mind grew to an amazing (and at the time record-breaking) 124 chapters. And for the most part each chapter was well thought out, interesting, and kept the story moving. The authors attempted to work together to maintain continuity and I furiously attempted to keep the Guidance updated so as to make their job easier. But, alas, it died out, much to my relief at the time. The direction the story was heading when it died was so far from what we, the few core authors, had envisioned at the beginning. Much appreciation to darkliquid, Archi, G2, Robynn, Dru, Kaiser, Afroferret and Faltarego for a seriously amazing story.

So what did the mess that FYM was teach me? Collaboration is HARD! Even harder without respect, yes respect. That’s what it’s about in my mind. My creations are dear to me, characters live in my head like friends and every time I sit down to write I refuse to put up anything I’m not proud of. I work hard at my craft, striving always to be even better than I was before. I welcome critiques, even if at the time they hurt my feelings. Let’s face it, we all want to hear our work is perfect and without fault… the truth is, it’s not. The comments and critiques help me get better. It’s been just over a year since I joined Protagonize and I can honestly say I’ve grown in all areas.

Without Protag I never would have met so many dear friends. The friendships I’ve begun alone make the experience (however trying at times) worth it. Through them I heard about this crazy thing called NaNoWriMo and never would have written my first novel. My writing has, in my mind, improved; largely through challenging myself to tackle stories that weren’t necessarily my style. Like a double dactyl poem called Bardishly Speaking or fanfiction like A Squib at Hogwarts? (thanks faltarego for that btw) or my latest crazy project which is both morally and ethically challenging, Ten. Before Protag I wrote little bits and pieces, messing about with ideas generally along the same lines and often with main characters who oddly enough resembled me quite strongly.

Writing is about growing, none of us are perfect, although I’ve met some authors whose craft is pretty damn close. Whether we’re a teenager exploring what this whole “being an author” thing is about, or a seasoned writer aiming for that illustrious goal of getting our first book published… we all need to grow. And that is what Protagonize was all about for me. Approaching every story with a touch of reverence, a  dab of respect, and a healthy dose of fear that everything was about to go horribly wrong.

That all sounds a bit like a eulogy doesn’t it? In a way it is. I’m mourning the loss of a dear friend while its evil twin is mocking me all the while. The old Protagonize is gone, and it will never be the same. It has the potential to grow into something better, the incredible @NickB has some changes planned for the site such as groups (which have been implemented) and stories restricted to these groups which can be made invite only, and a very cool interface for editors to scout out new talent.

Is it too late? I had a publisher email me recently and one of the things that came out of our conversation was her impression that Protagonize was a site mainly for the early teen crowd and didn’t have much in the way of mature talent. This was underlined once again for me when @Papablue posted the following thread:

Anyone here is the legal drinking age? At first glance, everyone seems to be in high school.

Any … adults on Protagonize or just kids young writers?

And then his follow up later:

Well, the old guys should be more active in the stories also! Or am I just looking in the wrong places?

What are old people writing about these days?

Come on, old people, gather ’round.

So, Papablue, my answer is this: We aren’t really all that active any more. At least this “adult” (I’m not old and I’m barely an adult lol) isn’t. Why? Because I feel like I’ve been beaten out. You know when you have this awesome spot and then one person starts kinda inching their way in, and then more, and then a whole crowd. And before you even realize what was happening you’re standing WAAAY over there watching all these people trash your spot?

I’ve tried getting involved, I’ve tried working with the younger crowd, helping them to grow as a writer. I’ve spent time reading their posts and giving them helpful tips while trying not to scream. Offered suggestions for minor changes to help their contributions actually work within the story. I’ve yet to have one of them take it with any sort of appreciation. Reactions range from: “im just havin fun lolololololol” to out and out sulking. Two things to say to that:

A) If you’re just having fun, don’t ASK FOR COMMENTS!!!

B) If you want to write as part of a proper collaborative team people are going to have critiques and suggests for you, that’s sort of the point. All of us working together in order to get better. If this is not something you’re interested in, don’t join.

That last comment may make me seem like an elitist or that I’m trying to be cliquey, and I am and I’m not. I will write with anyone willing to learn and grow as a writer. I’m far from perfect and even recently have had comments on what I’ve written in order to make it better, including my pet peeve…. continuity issues.

So now I’m torn. I’m banging my head against a brick wall and the only thing it’s doing is giving me a headache. Until this morning I had been content to leave Protagonize behind me and move onto other things. The most recent series of events on there had completely soured me on the site. Then Monty came along with his comments, thoughts and opinions and he’s got me rethinking it.

The way I see it I’m left with few options. I can post things on Protagonize that I don’t care of someone comes along and destroys, but that’s not my style. I care deeply about everything I write. So then is the answer to become an elitist? Make a flat out policy that I don’t collab at all? Or turn cliquey, and refuse to write with anyone outside of a select few?

I don’t have the answers and am open to thoughts and comments from anyone willing to give me a moment of their time.

Thanks for listening,
Ash

I’m at it again, stealing blog ideas from Marissa and Annie Cristina! But this one seemed fitting for a #MusicMonday. Music is just SUCH a huge part of my life I really could’t resist with this one. I promise this blog is going to get back to being about writing again sometime! Hehe, but I’m having fun

One song that takes me back to my youth is:

“Wonder Wall” by Oasis – Everytime I hear that song I am instantly transported back to high school, sitting around the locker room with the guys on their guitars all playing it and us girls singing along.

My first concert ever was:

Avril Lavigne! My boyfriend at the time got us tickets for a concert in Kelowna so we drove up there, spent the night and then went to the concert, it was awesome. (FYI – this was back before Avril became a total and complete sellout)

If I could create my dream music festival I’d want these bands to be there:

The Beatles, Wintersleep, Owl City, Adele, Breaking Benjamin, Lifehouse… hey you said it was my dream concert, just cuz no one else would wanna be there… lol.

The best make-out song ever is:

Now that’s a good question. Hmm… I’m going to go with “Your Body is Wonderland” by John Mayer and “Everything” by Lifehouse.

The best concert I’ve ever been to was:

The first Owl City concert I went to. Was at the Biltmore Cabaret before anyone in the “top 40″ had ever heard of him. Was amazing, small, intimate, and a TOTAL blast!!

A memorable musical moment for me was:

Singing an Irish ballad at a voice competition, turned out to be my last one. I won gold and it was really well received!

The song on my iPod Zune that’s getting the most play these days is:

Gonna have to pick a couple for this one. “Weighty Ghost” and “Is There a Ghost?” by Wintersleep, “Coffee Girl” by The Tragically Hip, “Before Tomorrow Comes” and “Broken Wings” by Alterbridge and finally “Looking for Angels” by Skillet. There is just no way on earth I could pick between those songs! I had to stop myself from picking more than that!!

So I read this over on the adorable Marissa’s blog that she apparently got from the lovely Annie Cristina’s blog. Seems like the perfect thing to do while I sip on some amazing caramel vanilla coffee. Mmmmmmm coffee… anyways, here are my answers.

If I was a month, I would be September, when everything starts to get colder and crisper.

If I was a day of the week, I’d be Friday… get lots done all morning then enjoy a well deserved break in the evening!

If I was a time of day, Apparently these days I’m 6AM, up early and get going before the world wakes up.

If I was a planet, I’d be the moon, because I’m contrary like that

If I was a sea animal, Definitely be a dolphin, SO much fun!

If I was a direction, Northwest, all the relaxed-ness of the West with the sharp bite of the North

If I was a piece of furniture, I’d be the desk, great place to put anything and gets lots done.

If I was a liquid, Think I’d be Vodka… mmmm goes with almost anything.

If I was a gemstone, I’d be emerald.

If I was a tree, Weeping willow would be me

If I was a flower, I’d be a sunflower <3

If I was a kind of weather, I would be the pouring rain… all gray and wet and cold.

If I was a musical instrument, I’d be a piano.

If I was a color, I would be dark green.

If I was an emotion, I’d be passion — for the people I love, the words that I write, and the life that I live. (Stealing Marissa’s answer for that one, it’s perfect!)

If I was a fruit, I’d be a dragonfruit!

If I was a sound, I would be the sound of waves on a beach.

If I was an element, I’d be water. (Same here!)

If I was a car, I think I’d be an old school Monte Carlo… looks gorgeous but is indestructible

If I was a food, I’d be coffee (yes… it’s a FOOD)

If I was a place, I’d like to be the beach.

If I was a material, I would be Egyptian cotton

If I was a taste, I’d taste like coffee!

If I was a scent, I would be vanilla.

So as per my promise I was going to spend one hour at least between both novels or everyone was to completely ignore me tomorrow. I figured I was safe with that, if I ran out of steam editing the one, I could always go and write part of the other. Well it worked! I won’t be a social pariah tomorrow… I spent 1 hour and 10 minutes editing my NaNoWriMo novel!

My task tonight was fairly simple. Go through the bits that I had sorted into semi-related piles and put the entire novel in the right order. That meant actually reading the majority of the novel (granted I did skim parts but still…) And, it’s done! The whole thing is in the right order and ready to be properly retyped for a good edit!

I’ve definitely got a love-hate relationship with this project right now. Parts of it I love, and the general concept is in my mind really neat. But, there is of course a but… writing such a complicated a twisted story for NaNoWriMo where you basically just write until your fingers bleed, may not have been my best idea ever. There are a lot of continuity issues where I am going somewhere, and I mostly know where that is, but it never develops properly.

Had a brain storm in the car the other day driving home from teaching and I figured out how to resolve it into the ending that I think is brilliant. Now it will be a matter of re-writing. As you can see, there are a lot of post-its sticking out marking spots that need re-working or things that I need to remember.

I have one little orphaned section that contains information necessary for the story but I can’t figure out where exactly to work it in. We will have to see how that comes together.

Now for some well earned Oblivion time…

Don’t hurt me, I failed, I know and I’m sorry! Please… don’t hurt me. I’m so ashamed

I began this with, as always, the best of intentions. Then I got eaten by the distraction monster.

I don’t even know where the last 12 days went, they certainly didn’t go into my novel lol. Some of them went into starting a new blog featuring two of my favorite things: Crafts ‘n’ Coffee. Just what I need eh? Another project?! Trust me, I’m rolling my eyes at myself too. You know how it is? Once you determine to do something you immediately switch into a mode where you will think of anything and everything to get in the way of accomplishing said task?

Personally I call it writing-via-procrastination. I justify it by saying that I let the story float around in my head, creating itself, until it finally has to come out and out pours a brilliant piece of writing.

Isn’t that the best load of garbage ever? It totally lets me shift from sounding undisciplined about my craft, to being this edgy creative-type. But it’s sooooo convenient. In my defense, and of writers and artists everywhere who use this excuse (I know you are out there), there is some merit to this claim. Stories that I let sit in my head for a little while generally turn out better than ones that get written before they are ready.

That’s not the case with this novel though. This novel is written, I just need to get ON WITH IT ALREADY! lol.

A big thank you to the people that have contacted me and nagged me RE: updating this blog. I need to update, even when I get nothing done. Just so I can say “yes, I did nothing… let the mocking commence.”

So, without further ado, shame me into getting work done!